The Day The Sanity Went
by The Last Letter
Summary: Post BD. It all started with a concert. It will all end with probably leaving the concert. Renesmee gets curious. The Volvo is abused. Some old friends return, and flashback one-shots are written. Some sexual content, not lemons. Joint written.
1. Laughing Uncontrollably

"I stilll can't believe we like in a place called New Hamster," Emmett's whiny voice filled the car.

"It's not New Hamster, it's New Hampshire you dolt." Renesmee scorned.

"Got cutie! Go cutie!" Jacob chanted wildly. Drunkenly.

"Go to hell," Bella joined.

"Children!" Esme chastised.

"Technically," Edward started, "I am older than you."

"And I am older than the both of you put together." Carlisle broke in.

"Yeah, he's a regular antique, I tried to pawn him off at the pawn shop, but they didn't buy it," Renesmee added.

The limo slinked into the parking lot when Alice griped, "Bella, we should've bought you a new dress!"

Rosalie began to strip. "Here, have mine," Rose teased, handing the dress to Bella. She was in her 400 dollar black lace bra. Jacob wolf whistled.

"Why I oughta!" Emmett began, shaking his fist.

"Hit 'im Uncle Emmett, hit 'im!" Nessie crowed, jumping and clapping.

"Rose, dress yourself. Alice, it's _just_ a concert. I don't need a dress, jeans work." Bella interrupted.

"She never said nothing 'bout me," Emmett said, smoking Jacob.

Jacob began to growl and shake. The limo followed his movements. "Look, mongral, behave, there are ladies in our presence," Jasper said matter-of-factly.

_His accent is so hot_, Alice thought, earning her a stern look from Edward.

Jacob, meanwhile, centered his breathing on the fact that Renesmee was buckled securely next him. And he knew the pain Sam had endured from Emily's scars.

A hefty group of ten people shifted weight and undid seatbelts. Bella recalled the last time she bought tickets for a concert of this band. Haha. this time Edward and Alice wouldn't miss the concert due to blood lusting newborns.

The opening acts was a slight woman with frail arms and thin chestnut hair. Her back up band was sloppy and disorganzied, but she clearly had fun performing. Screams errupted from everybody when the main band took stage. A racing beat organized the chaos. Chords from the guitar joined until the bass had chimed in. Renesmee bellowed, but her voice was lost in the harmony. A few songs passed and Bella turned to check on Renesmee and found her lips glued to Jacob's.

Emmett caugh a glimpse and kicked Jacob between the legs. His breath wooshed out of his mouth and into Renemee's. "Renesmee, why don't you try to pawn off Jacob's now damaged family jewels?" Emmett laughed. Jacob's stomach lurched as he lost all feeling belong his waist. He fought at the tears that formed in his eyes. Renesmee had come onto him! At sixteen (in looks at least) she was unexperienced, but an ahh-maz-ing kisser. It may have been due to the fact that the last girl he had kissed had hated him at the time.

Edward's jaw tensed. "You BASTARD! WALK! NOW!" Edward pointed towards a door that read "Male." _Well, kissing Renesmee had been worth it. _"HOW DARE YOU?!" Edward screamed, referring to Jacob's thoughts about kissing Renesmee.

By now they were in the bathroom. "She is two! And if you _EVER_ touch my daughter in any sexual way, I will neuter you dog!" Edward spat.

"Well, ever is a long time, and I believe you, um, touched Bella sexually when she was eighteen." Jacob cringed the instant he said it. Not only did it not help his case, it reminded him that Bella had sex with the leech while she was still human.

"This is different! My DAUGHTER is TWO, and we were MARRIED!"

"Whatever. I'm going to enjoy myself tonight, you should let Renesmee have some fun for once.

"_SHE'S TWO!_"

***

Renesmee drummed her fingers in wait for Jacob. As soon as her Dad turned his head, she'd make some moves. Jacob waltzed out of the man's room with a sour looking face, Edward walked with a smirk. Suddenly, there was an explosion of screams. But not cheering screams, these were blood-curdling and terrified.

Bella instantly pulled Renesmee close, and looked for Edward. Carlisle was ushering the humans out as fact as possible on one side, Esmethe same on the other. That's how she knew it was a vampire attack. Alice and Jasper were heading through the crowd, presumably looking for said vampire. Emmett and Rose were getting up on the balcony, also to get the humans out, but there was no sign of Edward or Jacob.

Still holding onto Renesmee, Bella made her way toward the bathroom. There was a break in the crowd and Edward and Jacob emerged. Relief flooded through Bella as she threw Renesmee to Jacob. "Take care of her!" Bella yelled, and ran off with Edward.

Jacob looked down at the girl in his arms. She was staring back at him with brown eyes he fell into. Bella glanced back pleadingly for Jake to protect her daughter. She ended up snarling and hissing a warning at Jacob's 'little friend.' Jake blushed and tried to hide his now visible arousal. Renesmee looked down, and wondered if Jake was thinking. "Hmm," She sighed. In all the hustle Jacob, with Renesmee in his arms, was pushed backstage. He caught a glimpse of a light brown haired bloodsucker, but, it wasn't one of his bloodsuckers.

The leech was stripping the girl from the first act, and dstripped himself. As he was beginning to get on her, Jacob instantly thought of Edward getting on Bella on their honeymoon. Then, without a word he crossed the room and left, then crossed the road to the Cullen's new house. He swung himself and Renesmee into the back of the Volvo. They kissed. They stripped. They kissed. When Renesmee's removed Jacob's tighty-whitey's she saw something that made her laugh, uncontrollably.

**This is a joint story written by me and my friend Lezlee, that is the same Lezlee that helped inspire **_**Feeling Of Falling.**_** Anyway, there will be a good amount of sexual content in this story, but there will be no lemons. Also, this is AU, and humor, so we play by my- well, our- rules.**

**Also, Nessie **_**looks**_** sixteen in this fic, but she is actually **_**two**_**. **

**We do not own the characters, we just make them do our bidding and act like fools, meaning we own the plot.**

**Jacob took her to Edward's beloved **_**Volvo**_**? Man, is he going to be in trouble, and not just for the car. There will be a one-shot titled **_**Walking The Boyfriend**_**, to accompany the next chapter. r&r**

**~DI4MGZ~**


	2. Edward Runs To Find Bella

Nessie instantly flashed back to when she had died Jacob's hair, in as she had called it then "the danger zone." Jacob's pubic hair still screamed flourescent pink. (1) She was only five -in intelligance- at the time, but even with her accelerated growth, it had been a long while ago.

"You should have cleaned down there more often." Nessie murmered seductively.

"When the dye box says permanent it means permanent, besides, I wasn't expecting company."Jake tried to growl, but quickly lost his breath when Renesmee removed her bra. The last rays of sunshine fell onto her perfect breasts.

She leaned over for his lips and he was lost.

***

It was chaos. Complete chaos. Esme was trying her hardest to stuff hundreds of people out the front doors, while opposite her, Casrlisle was struggling to do the same. Esme wasn't even completely sure what was going on, all she was sure of was that there were at least two vampires in the concert hall, and everyone was in danger.

Jasper, growling slightly, marched passed her with Alice tripping along at his side. Esme had seen Emmett and Rose rush to the balcony, but the last she had seen of Bella and Edward was the handing off of Nessie to Jacob. Not that she could blame Bella for putting her baby first. As someone stumbled into her, however, Esme realized she needed to concentrate more on what she was doing. These people needed to get out, and her 'babies' were as safe as they could be.

The balcony was clear. Emmett and Rosalie were all alone, and we all know what Em and Rose do when they're alone. Emmett's hands began to roam all over Rose's dress, but she placed a palm on her over-grown teddy bear's chest.

"Do you really think we should? There is a vampire attacking downstairs." Rose bit at her lip and stared into his gorgeous face.

"We'll make it quick?" Emmett suggested half-heartedly, feeling rejected and turning away. Seeing his dissappointment, Rose grabbed his shoulder to keep him from completely turning.

"Just don't rip my dress." Emmett's face lit up as he wrapped Rose in his arms.

***

"Where are we going exactly?" Bella whined, following Edward through the crowd.

"Jasper went this way, to look for the vampire. We're going to help." Edward explained, moving steadily through the thinning throng of people.

"Who do you think it is?" Bell asked.

"I don't know." Edward breathed,

"You hesitated." Bella accused. "Tell me." She instantly demanded.

"It . . . smells like James and Victoria." Edward admtted.

"They were killed years ago!" Bella exclaimed, leaping onto the empty stage.

"Exactly." Edward murmered. "Hear noise over there, but Jasper and Alice's scent veer off that way." Edwas pointed in the opposite direction of the noises.

"Sneaking around?" Bella suggested.

"Both of them?" Edward questioned. "Not likely." He shook his head slightly.

"I'll follow Jazz and Al and meet you in the middle." Bella kissed his cheek and ran off after Alice and Jasper.

Well, she found them. In the middle of a very serious discussion. It looked like Jasper was getting a talking too about something, but Bella didn't want to intrude. Silently she slipped pass them and into the dark corners of back stage.

Edward watched Bella disappear and followed the noises. It took him down a dark and twisting corrider and far away from the stage. That explained why he couldn't read their minds from where he was. As he continued it occured to him that this was not a circle and he would not be meeting up with Bella. _I hope she doesn't get lost_, he thought, already going into full panic/worry mode.

_Bella's a big bad vampire now, she can take care of herself_, said the voice in the back of his head.

"She's still Bella!" Edward argued.

_And she's almost indestructable._ The voice argued back.

"I'm also worried about the building," Edward muttered and the voice remained silent.

As Edward moved closer to the grunting and moaning noises, strange thoughts invaded his mind.

_PUSH IT!_ Screamed one.

_MORE! _Screamed another.

_HARDER!_ Moaned the last.

Edward finally got around the corner, all was revealed. It was James and Victiroai, how, he didn't quite know yet, and they were with a human girl. They were having _sex_(!) with the human girl. Edward did not know how they stood it, it had been impossible for him to do it. Edward hadn't realized he'd been staring, but he was. Staring at the two vampire bodies and the sweaty human girl's.

And just as his little self sprang fully to life, Emmett's voice randomly came out of no where. "PRUDE!" It rang loudly.

"Am not!" Edward snapped, but Emmett did not come back.

James and Victoria had not acknowledged his prescence, but they surely knew he was there. In truth, Edward was not paying to much attention to the vampire couple, although he was wondering how they had come back from the dead, his mind was more focused on the human. Seeing her naked body brought back the memory of his and Bella's first night. Leaping quickly to his feet, when he'd settled in a crouch, he had no idea, Edward quickly ran to find Bella.

**(1)-There is a one-shot written about this day, now posted!**

**And we step up the sick mindedness in this chapter. The one-shot written was posted just before this and is titled '**_**Walking The Boyfriend**_**' it's got some Quil/Claire time, though not in a sexual way because she's still a toddler. There's some Jake/Nessie fun too. The one-shot is fun, mostly clean, but you know how it is when you've got a friend with you and you're writing. Hope you check it out.**

**I don't own **_**Twilight.**_** This chapter was mostly written by me, but some of the credit goes to Lezlee.**

**~DI4MGZ~**


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